Surrogacy is the emotionally difficult process both for surrogate, intended parents, and, of course, a child. The moment of transferring a newborn from a surrogate to its intended parents is the most unpleasant and scary for the baby. Specialists claim that it is so because of the special bond, or rather special psychological connection which always appears between parents and their children. Because of this connection parents always feel all the joys and worries of their children even if they are far from each other.
Psychologists claim that this unique bond starts its developing even before the baby is born. During the nine months before the baby birth, he or she gets used to the mother’s emotions, her voice, and even body movements. So, at the moment of the birth baby is absolutely sure that this is the closest person in its life, its protection, and care. A baby instinctively feels the strong connection between it and its mom which was creating and strengthening for nine months.
The situation completely changes in the case of surrogacy, as in such case right after childbirth, a baby is transferred to its genetically native parents. And, of course, there is no bond between a child and its new parents that is a great stress for a baby. How to avoid it and make this moment pleasant and emotionally positive? In this article, we are going to talk about the main tips which can help you to prepare baby, surrogate, and yourself to this thrilling moment. We divided this article into three main parts or rather stages that will help you and your baby to remember this moment forever as the most exciting moment in a life.
Stage #1: Prepare yourself for the baby transferring.
Unfortunately, it’s impossible to have the same bonding with a baby as its surrogate mother has during nine months and you have to put up with this fact. However, you can do several things that will help you to be much closer emotionally to your baby and get a strong attachment. Surrogacy specialists claim that the moment of baby transferring at the hospital is the most exciting moment for all the people involved and is like a culmination of the whole surrogacy process. They affirm that at this moment the most important is to get focused not on your needs and feelings as new parents, but on the feelings, emotions, and needs of a child. The intended parents should be focused on the child instead of on their new role as parents. In such case, a baby will feel it and it can help to create an attachment between a baby and its new family. We prepared four main tips related to this stage that will help you and your baby to experience this moment easily and positively.
The first tip is to forget about your previous failures and disappointments. Probably, nine of ten couples who resorted to the surrogacy experienced a long period of their life when they were struggling with infertility and unsuccessfully tried to conceive a baby. The moments of grief and desperation have to be left in the past and the new parents should have a positive attitude because now the stage of their life begins. Right after they left their grief in the past, parents will be able to start a new life and to fully concentrate on the baby’s needs and feelings. This will be the first step to create the emotional connection between you and your long-awaited baby.
Participate in pregnancy as much as it’s possible. This is how the second tip sounds. The more you are participating in the pregnancy, the more you get used to your future baby and the more you are ready for its arrival. It is recommended to attend all the doctor’s appointments, spend time with your surrogate, and by a toy for your baby which will be its closest friend for many years. Your participation in the pregnancy will create some kind of connection between you and your child and make the moment of the moment of the first meeting more pleasant and positive.
The third advice from specialists is talking with your child. Talk with your baby as often as it’s possible, make he or she get used to the sound of your voice. We have read about the experience of other families which recorded their voice on tapes when they were reading books to their future child and sent them to their surrogate mom. It’s up to you, whether you can be present during these talks or it’s better for you to record tapes, anyway the more your child hears your voice, the more it becomes closer to your family.
The last tip or the advice from the specialists which is related to the first stage is to make the moment of transferring a baby to a new home as much familiar to the baby as it’s possible. What does it mean? The surrogate may know the song which she liked to listen to when she was pregnant or maybe the smell of her perfumes which the baby could feel. All these small elements are extremely important to a child when it enters a new home for the first time. Ask your surrogate about these niceties and try to prepare your home according to them.
Stage #2: Meeting at the hospital.
Meeting at the hospital is the most thrilling and emotionally difficult moment for all people involved in the surrogacy process, such as surrogate, new family, and a baby. This is a culmination of the whole process and requires focusing on your baby’s needs, calm and positive attitude. There are three main tips related to this stage. Let’s consider each of them.
The first tip how to make the first meeting minimally stressful for your child is to provide a contact between it and a surrogate prior to taking the baby. In such case, a baby will feel the familiar smell and hear the familiar voice. After some minutes of laying on the chest of a surrogate, a baby will be calm and relaxed, and this is a perfect moment to transfer it to the new parents.
The second tip is to hand a child to the new family. It is extremely important both for the surrogate and the baby to see that the whole family is here and these are not the strangers but the new family where a baby will grow happily.
And the last tip here is touch. Remember, the more you will contact your child through the skin touch, the more it will feel protected and calm. Make the baby feel your heartbeat, get used to your smell and touches of your hands.
Stage #3: Don’t lose the contact with your surrogate.
It doesn’t mean that your surrogate should become an integral part of your family but it’s important to keep the contact after the baby transferring. Try to meet your surrogate mom at least once in a week during a certain period when your child will not feel itself left alone. The strong bonding with your baby can’t appear in a moment, it’s a time and efforts consuming process. Start getting used to your baby gradually and make it get used to you not in one day. The process of attachment building is a step by step work which at the end will turn into strong and full of love relationships between you and the new member of your family.
Be patient and calm because even the baby which is born in a natural way can’t get used to its mother immediately, it’s normal that both of you need time for this. Take your time and give your baby as much time as it needs to feel itself absolutely protected in this huge world. It doesn’t matter whether a child was born via the surrogacy or in a natural way, moments of tears and childish whims have been always and will not disappear in many years. Be patient and take your time. When the moment comes you will feel the strong connection between you and your child which lasts forever.
Don’t think that nine months of bonding a child with its mother is a decisive factor in their further relations. Patience, attention to your baby, focus on its needs and feelings, and love will do their work and the strong attachment will occur naturally making both you and your baby feel as parts of one happy family.